Bridging Generational Silence by First Listening

Yuri Arcurs

By Michele Scheib, AARP Volunteer

I recently learned that many of the Generation X folks (1965-1980) were raised by the Mature/Silent Generation (1927-1945). I wondered why it seemed so uncomfortable for many of us to talk with our parents about certain topics of life transition, such as will and estate planning, finances, downsizing possessions, health concerns, and a possible need for change in housing and/or driving at some point.

We learned subtly through the years that we just don't talk about certain subjects with our parents. We may get some hints on their situation during time we spend together, yet rarely know the full picture, especially if we live far away.

Some parents may want to bring up such topics of life transition and go over specifics with their adult children "just in case." Such conversations can involve an overwhelming flurry of details, last less than an hour, and never come up again. Sometimes we avoid these conversations all together, especially if we encounter resistance or vague reassurances that “everything will work out”.

Conversations around a change in housing or driving tend to be very sensitive for most, because of the perception of reduced independence. Questions may be about a move closer together or to an assisted living facility, downsizing the possessions accumulated over a lifetime, and alternative ways to get around without a car.

Some older people I know jumped right in and started giving away and discarding their possessions so that their children would not have to filter through it all. Some others may ask their children to pick something they want and take it home with every visit, while others may just end up doing nothing.

How, then, do we proceed in silence? Do we wait to initiate the conversation around a life transition? What if we wait too long? Could we have helped with avoiding certain mistakes? To a certain extent, we must learn the power of accepting that which is not our decision to make and respecting the pace and process of those whose choice it is.

One possible way to begin some of the conversations could be through storytelling. Recently, I've been asking those close to me for personal history interviews, using prompts from StoryCorps. Since those I know are private about their lives, I use my own voice recording app on my smart phone. Most of the people I interviewed are from the Mature/Silent Generation and often started by telling me they didn’t really have much to say. In the end, however, the stories shared have been among the most valuable moments I've had with them.

Everyone I interviewed was open and respectful while answering each question thoroughly. Sometimes the responses were emotional and other times unsure. Mostly though, I learned new aspects about the person’s values, interests, and relationships with others, including with their parents. Also, details about their life and legacy I would never have known had I not asked and listened. The interviews also provided time for a quality connection that I didn’t realize I had wanted or needed.

I have become a believer that to begin the process of opening up and knowing that some conversations may be difficult, we must first embrace more opportunities to simply sit together, ask questions, and listen. For that, we need not and should not wait.

AARP has resources that may be a guide for your family. It can be helpful to plan ahead.