Mimi’s Seventh Caregiving Commandment: Prioritize

One lonely night I was in my hotel room in Chicago where I was staying while supervising the recovery of my ninety-year old dad who had just returned from the intensive care unit where he had been fighting complications from an appendicitis attack. It was another sleepless night midway between a two-week stint of being away from my home and my family in Denver.

I was wrestling with how to proceed once Dad had turned the corner. Dad was living with my mother, five years his junior and beginning to show signs of a form of dementia that would leave her unable to speak. They were still residing in their comfortable ranch home that we had collectively retrofitted for their old age. We had recently hired a part-time caregiver to help Mom and Dad out with meals, laundry and doctors’ appointments. They were still alone at night and had already experienced several incidents that threatened their wellbeing.

Up until now Dad had been the primary caregiver. My brother who lived nearby had served as the backup. The question was what to do from this point forward. Should we hire more help? Should they live together or separately where someone else could take care of Mom’s increasingly violent incidents? How long would the money last? What about my brother’s and my family’s situation? Who should pay the monthly bills and tend to maintaining their house? Those responsibilities that my dad had assumed would now need some support.

In the middle of the night I wrote up a questionnaire for my brother, his wife, my husband and myself. I asked everyone to rate on a scale of one to five what was most important to them regarding the care of Mom and Dad. The categories included (a) Mom and Dad’s safety, (3) Mom’s medical problems, (4) Dad’s growing isolation, depression and difficulty in operating the household, (3) Mom and Dad’s quality of life, (3) the financial situation, (4) how to handle daily living chores, (5) individual happiness for the caregivers, (6) the safety factor.

I took into account everyone’s priorities and ultimately made what I thought to be the best decision, i.e. to move them into a two-bedroom apartment in a continuing care facility.

The result was mixed and the problems went on for many more years that included finally moving Mom and Dad to Denver where I could better take care of them.

I worked the same way for each crisis we faced. Whenever I was frazzled (there were many more moments), I would take a step back, breathe and prioritize and then experience some peace of mind. My personal priority was always to make them as happy, safe and as comfortable as possible. And I feel that goal was achieved.

 

Mimi Pockross Biography

Mimi Pockross has been a freelance writer for more than thirty-five years.  She is a graduate of the University of Illinois and Northwestern University.  She has published many articles on the arts, education and family and is the author of two books.  Her latest book is The Takeover: An Unexpected Caregiver’s Story in which she writes about becoming the primary caregiver for her elderly parents.    The mother of two sons and the grandmother of two boys, Mimi lives in Denver and Vail, Colorado with her husband of forty-nine years.  She is also the author of Shopping for a Living: A Memoir on Merging Marriage, Motherhood and Merchandising.

The content of this article and the opinions expressed are solely those of Mimi Pockross and do not necessarily reflect those of AARP or any of its affiliates.