Tracy Sanders, RN, MN, CNS
Continuum Care, Inc.
The death of a loved one can be devastating. Some of the feelings that can arise from losing someone, and where you can go for help and support. Bereavement affects people in different ways. There's no right or wrong way to feel. You might feel a lot of emotions at once, or feel you’re having a good day, then you wake up and feel worse again. Powerful feelings can come unexpectedly. It’s like waves on a beach. You can be standing in water up to your knees and feel you can cope, then suddenly a big wave comes and knocks you off your feet. Experts generally accept that there are four stages of bereavement:
- accepting that your loss is real
- experiencing the pain of grief
- adjusting to life without the person who has died
- putting less emotional energy into grieving and putting it into something new (in other words, moving on)
You'll probably go through all these stages, but you won’t necessarily move smoothly from one to the next. Your grief might feel chaotic and out of control, but these feelings will eventually become less intense. Give yourself time, as they will pass. You might feel:
- shock and numbness (this is usually the first reaction to the death, and people often speak of being in a daze)
- overwhelming sadness, with lots of crying
- tiredness or exhaustion
- anger, for example towards the person who died, their illness or God
- guilt, for example guilt about feeling angry, about something you said or didn’t say, or about not being able to stop your loved one dying
“These feelings are all perfectly normal. The negative feelings don’t make you a bad person. Lots of people feel guilty about their anger, but it’s OK to be angry and to question why. Some people become forgetful and less able to concentrate. You might lose things, such as your keys. This is because your mind is distracted by bereavement and grief. You're not losing your sanity.
Coping with grief
Talking and sharing your feelings with someone can help. Don’t go through this alone. For some people, relying on family and friends is the best way to cope. But if you don’t feel you can talk to them much (perhaps you aren't close, or they're grieving too), you can contact local bereavement services through Continuum Care, Inc. A bereavement counsellor can give you time and space to talk about your feelings, including the person who has died, your relationship, family, work, fears and the future. You can have access to a bereavement counsellor at any time, even if the person you lost died a long time ago. Don't be afraid to talk about the person who has died. People in your life might not mention their name because they don't want to upset you. But if you feel you can't talk to them, it can make you feel isolated. Anniversaries and special occasions can be hard. Do whatever you need to do to get through the day. This might be doing something that reminds you of that person, such as taking a favorite walk.
If you need help to move on
Each bereavement is unique, and you can’t tell how long it will last. In general, the death and the person might not constantly be at the forefront of your mind after around 18 months. This period may be shorter or longer for some people, which is normal. Your bereavement counsellor can help if you feel that you're not coping. Some people also get support from a religious minister. You might need help if:
- you can’t get out of bed
- you neglect yourself or your family, for example you don't eat properly
- you feel you can’t go on without the person you’ve lost
- the emotion is so intense it’s affecting the rest of your life, for example you can’t face going to work or you’re taking your anger out on someone else
These feelings are normal as long as they don’t last for a long time. The time to get help depends on the person. If these things last for a period that you feel is too long, or your family say they’re worried, that’s the time to seek help. We are here for you.