Lessons We Learned From Our Parents

Caregiving can be complicated, but it doesn’t have to be overwhelming. Planning is the most important aspect of caregiving that will assist caregivers as their loved ones’ age. If planned correctly, older adults will have much input in the decisions concerning them. At a recent AARP Virginia webinar, participants were reminded that it is a process, and having the right tools will make the process less complicated.

Carl Hamiel, associate state director for community outreach, invited John Krug from Oasis Senior Advisors to share information on caring for the older adults.

Krug explained five lessons he learned from working with his parents that can be applied to participants’ parents and loved ones.


Lesson #1: Benefits of moving.

Krug explained it’s OK to move. He said many struggle with moving their loved ones into a new home. Some reasons include:

● Guilt of “putting them away”

● Promised to never move them

● Waiting for a clear-cut sign that they can no longer live alone

● Believe their parents won’t be happy

● Delaying until loved ones realize they need to move

 However, Krug explained that there are many benefits of moving. They include having better physical and personal safety, healthier nutrition, proper care and socialization in the new environment. Additionally, they can preserve their independence because someone will be there to assist them with essential daily tasks, if needed.

 Lesson #2: Showing Empathy.

Older adults share similar concerns, and caregivers who empathize rather than criticize them have better outcomes. According to the Certified Senior Advisors Society, the most common concerns are the loss of independence and control, mortality, lack of financial resources and dementia.

 Lesson #3: Planning for life’s “what ifs”.

This is a powerful tool for caregivers. Krug emphasized how important it is to discuss the “what ifs” before they are needed. Caregivers should encourage their loved ones to make their wishes known. Preparations can be made to ensure many of their wishes are granted. This will secure peace of mind in their later years. Also, it keeps them in control of what happens in the future.

 At a minimum, every older adult needs to discuss:

· having a medical advance directive.

· financial accounts.

· setting up a trust.

· medical history and preferences for doctors and hospital.;

· desired living arrangements, and

· funeral planning.

 Estate planning will ensure that an individual’s wishes are followed through, that they can leave a legacy of property and take care of their loved ones, and minimize state and federal taxes for heirs. If an individual foregos estate planning, the state where they live will decide what to do with their assets. Each state has certain laws that guide the settlement of estates. These laws will determine how the deceased person will be taken care of, what will happen to their assets, and whether family members will inherit their property or any other assets or funds.

 Krug presented the signs to watch out for. Stress usually shows up as depression, anger, anxiety, insomnia, loss of appetite, drinking, smoking, exhaustion, and a myriad of health problems. These can be experienced by the older adult or caregiver. In the case when caregivers are faced with these problems, it is imperative that ways of coping are identified before burnout, or worse, sickness or even death occurs. Here are a few recommendations he provided for the caregiver experiencing stress:

● get respite

● research resources

● set boundaries - it’s ok to say no

● accept limitations

● get organized

● communicate - form a team to assist

● support groups

● stay active

● attend to personal health

● time off – (such as take FMLA, Family and Medical Leave Act)

 Lesson #4: Understanding Living Options

When considering moving a loved one, there are numerous options to choose from, Krug said. However, caregivers must consider their personal needs because not all places are equal.

 Family members can consult with professionals to assist with this type of decision-making. AARP offers tips on how to select a geriatric care manager. AARP recommends choosing a professional by using Aging Life Care Association expert search or Eldercare Locator support services.

 AARP offers step-by-step, unbiased resources online to help families choose appropriate long-term care.

 No one likes moving and sometimes it is a hard transition for an older adult, Krug said. The caregiver, along with the older adult, will base their decision on choosing the right facility and customizing it as much as is feasible. They may assess the facility in terms of its culture, safety, amenities, activities, level of care, and the licensure of its staff. The main objective is knowing that a loved one fits into the culture easily. Discussing geographic location is vital. The older adult can decide if he/she need to be close to family, friends, church, stores, etc. Lastly, discussing financial requirements will help in making an informed decision.

Lesson #5: Communication.

Communication can be difficult because change is not easy, Krug said. Keeping the older adults involved will allow them to express their feelings. Listed below are suggestions that Krug provided about how the caregiver can start the conversation.

 1. Begin the conversation and don’t expect it to be wrapped up in 15 minutes. This is an emotional issue, not a logical one. If possible, initiate the conversation before it becomes necessary.

2. Approach the topic by focusing on concerns for the loved one’s safety. Stick to the facts.

3. Begin discussing options. Discuss all options—even those that may not be viable.

4. See things through the individual’s eyes and be patient.

5. When/if the loved ones moves to a community or facility, do not expect things to be smooth immediately. It takes time to adjust to new environments.